For the Love of Airports

Published on May 25, 2017

I simply love the word "Check-In," might be the only reason I have ever used FourSquare.

There is that adrenaline rush you feel after barely making it to the counter. You are waiting to be scolded but greeted with "Any baggage sir?". For those few hours you have been knighted as a member of the world's safest-way-to-travel-club. You are so used to the security checks it almost comes naturally; never have you been able to shoes-off/belt-unbuckle so gracefully like a grade-B 70s porno star*.

And then you enter the incredible wonderland that is 'Departures', a stamped boarding pass here separates you from the outside 1st-world-city-jungle/3rd-world-almost-missed-this-flight-traffic-mayhem into this carefully engineered world. A tax-free, dust-proof plateau where it might be the only place ever created by man where golf carts actually made sense**. The perfect Duty-Free-Shop shelving, never ending perfume sections, all credit/debit/predit*** cards are accepted here. And even though you are still buying the on-offer pack of Mars chocolate collection, you feel like a crowned Sultan. "Your boarding card sir?" You heard her say at the cashier and think "Yes, I am late for my flight and god knows I have earned it!"

You suddenly like Starbucks and have instantly forgotten about the impoverished Antarctic children that are suffering from this industry, mostly from over-caffeinated guardians. You walk around without a simple doubt that you belong here. It is the true cosmopolitan center; you are expected to be of any sort of colour/gender/ethnicity/religion**** and damn if anyone cares. No one would dare bother you because there is an incredibly small but most hazardous chance that you might be the person on the flight seat behind them and can kick their back into a Notre Dame-themed movie character*****.

Just embrace this moment, take a deep breath of the "non-toxic" fumes sprayed from security to gates A-G. And run damn it! Run! Because they are proceeding with unloading your baggage, my good sir.

 

 

*this is a very inaccurate reference but I always wanted to insert "grade-B 70s porno". When I used to work in advertising we used to call this "imposed", my take on this is "well, your face is imposed."

**No, this of course does not include "Golf Courses", lets all get over this strange kilt trousers sport and let Tiger Woods stick-it in peace (this will be later edited into a better comeback)...anyway, where was I?

***Of course, there is no such thing! let me know if you googled this please, worth the laugh.

****Although perhaps you are most likely to get a prayer/"multi-faith prayer room" if you are a Muslim, they are the only ones they are really scared off. Room is most likely bomb/shatter/prayer/god proof.

*****The is a 3% chance you will end up as a gypsy being dry-humped by a quasi-something.